NAPO 2

I feel I'm behind.
The TA snatched my homework away at the door
before I had any time to edit it.
Now she's going to see that I've been looking at my friend's answers
and give me a big fat 0
because I decided to sleep last night
because I've been so tired this week.
I liked pushing my limits
but my body is tired
and I don't understand inorganic chemistry.
I don't understand why oxidation needs to happen
and free oxygen radicals roam around
and corrode us
and we age.
Why does that need to happen?
I understand that oxygen is part of our energy currency.
That it's in glucose and we use it to make ATP.
But I don't understand why we can't all just
stay eight.

A little bundle of energy that runs for no reason
that chases that soccer ball like it's all that matters in life
like being as good as Caleb Hougesen means more
than whether your team wins or looses,
and you'd pick your best friends
instead of the best players
because already you knew you'd rather loose with people you liked
than win with arrogant ballhogs that you couldn't stand
and that would never pass you the ball
because you were a girl.
And when you fell down from exhaustion
it wasn't something to feel guilty about
it was something to be proud of.
You gave it your all.

Why is life not like that anymore?
Is it because I don't give it my all?
Is it because I'm tired?
Is it because I'm used to never being good enough?

I want to get a job.
I want to pay rent and food all on my own.
And I will be happy.
I hate this uncertainty, not knowing if what I study will really do me any good.
Understanding that our shortening telomeres are both
the reason we age
and a protection against cancer
or that oxygen radicals are damaging parts of my cells
just makes me depressed;
Awed at how life continues despite the odds,
But depressed.
And tired.

I can't live my life without a care in the world
because I'm not that eight year old that doesn't care if I loose as long as it was a good game.

I said I was broken.
He said I wasn't.
But I don't believe him.
I wish I knew what to believe. I wish I could force myself to believe that everything is fine.